It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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