I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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