lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
