Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
