Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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