I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
