I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I can't turn off my feet"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
