who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
