RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
