Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
