i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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