I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize