And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
