why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
