anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
