Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
