Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
