I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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