I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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