the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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