Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
