I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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