Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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