hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Randomize
