I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
