oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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