Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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