I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
