I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
