Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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