I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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