What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
