i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
