I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
