Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
