"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
