i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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