apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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