He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize