Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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