Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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