Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Randomize
