doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
