ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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