man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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