im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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