I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
