Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
This girl is more easily done than said...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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