You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
