I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Boobs are out for the taking
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
