He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
