somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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