Swine flu. Run for my life!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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