It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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