Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize