My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
