I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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