Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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