Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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