Will you blow on my dice?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
