I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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