i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
