My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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