There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There's a naked man in my car right now.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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