He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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