I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
