Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
