Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize