i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
